‘I actually cried quite a lot’: Macy Gray on the complicated grief of losing an ex

Each week, Benjamin Law asks public figures to discuss the subjects we’re told to keep private by getting them to roll a die. The numbers they land on are the topics they’re given. This week, he talks with Macy Gray . The American singer, 57, has sold more than 25 million albums. She has been nominated for five Grammy Awards, winning Best Pop Vocal Performance for the song I Try in 2001. Her latest album is The Reset .

Were you raised in the church, Macy? Oh, yes, big time. My mother made me go to church every Sunday. I never knew what the preacher was talking about – I was a kid – but I really liked the choir. It influenced me musically and I have a strong relationship with God because of that.

Are you still a churchgoing Baptist? No, I kind of got sour with religion. As I got older, I realised it was all about someone’s perspective. [Preachers] are like politicians: they push what they believe in, find chapters in the Bible and interpret them, but it’s their interpretation. A lot of it doesn’t really add up, if you ask me. So I’ve developed a relationship with God on my own.

Do you still pray? And if so, what for? Oh, I pray every day: first thing in the morning and before I go to bed. I pray for my kids. I pray for my mum, who has cancer. I pray for purity and to act on what’s really in my heart because I feel that that’s the part of me that’s guided by God.

For the people in your audience, hearing you sing live can feel like a spiritual experience. Does it feel like a spiritual experience for you on stage? Oh, totally – you’re like Jesus up there! [ Laughs ] I say, “Everybody, put your hands in the air!” and everybody does it. They’re screaming, crying and calling out your name. It’s very spiritual. That’s definitely when I feel possessed by things that are bigger and better than me.

Do you have rituals before and after you play a show? I always listen to a lot of music, then I do a huge warm-up. I pray alone and then I pray with my band and my crew. And then – sometimes – we have a shot together!

Your debut album was titled On How Life Is . Have you figured out the meaning of life yet? No. I’m at an age where I understand that I haven’t figured it out, and I’m not supposed to. Once you feel like you’ve figured something out, you stop learning.

What have been the big, defining losses in your life? My father, Richard, for sure. Also, my ex-husband, Michael.

How did your father’s life – and now, his absence – change you? Well, I was really mad at my father for a lot of things; I blamed my parents for everything. Then, before he died, he asked me if he’d been a good father. That was really profound for me because he didn’t ask, “Did I leave enough money?” He wanted to know if he’d done a good job, even though I never saw him. That’s a moment I’ll never forget. I remember looking in his eyes when he said it. I was shocked because I’d never seen that side of my dad. And I said that yes, he had.

When you mentioned your late ex-husband, I wondered if his death brought up complicated emotions. [ Nods ] I hadn’t seen him in ages, and it was difficult because we have kids. All of them handled it very differently.