How to talk to teenage boys about sex, according to experts

No sooner does it feel like our sons are starting to grasp their times tables than experts say it’s time to start weaving consent, sex and pornography into household conversations.

With eSafety Commissioner research showing four in 10 surveyed adolescents first encountered pornography before they turned 13, there’s a good chance our boys are seeing explicit content far earlier than we realise, and developmental paediatrician Dr Billy Garvey says it could be giving them a dangerous idea of sex and consent.

“A lot of parents don’t realise just how vulnerable kids are to pornography being the educator,” says Garvey, founder of Guiding Growing Minds and author of Ten Things I Wish You Knew About Raising Boys.

“If we don’t talk about it and leave [sex education] to pornography, then there is a risk that violence within sex is normalised and role modelled, then their beliefs and behaviours are influenced completely external of us, often without our knowledge.”

This comes as new University of Melbourne research found teenagers hold more hostile attitudes towards women than older generations, which is seen as a strong predictor of violent extremism.

The survey of 2307 adults and 1122 young people found 32 per cent of 13- to 17-year-old boys thought Australia has gone “too far” in attempts to give equal opportunities to women and 25 per cent believe feminism is damaging to our society and should be resisted with violence if necessary.

In addition to this research, recent findings from the Australian Child Maltreatment Study revealed teen boys have now overtaken adult men as the most likely perpetrators of sexual violence towards under-18s .

If you’re wondering how to make sure your son doesn’t become a statistic, Garvey suggests you start having age-appropriate conversations with boys as young as nine, and keep having them regularly.

“A lot of our parents sat us down before we went to a party and talked about drugs and alcohol and safe sex [but] this idea that one conversation will give them the skills to navigate it is just ridiculous,” Garvey says.

“We know most kids see pornography three years before their first sexual experience, and 50 per cent of boys [see it] without seeking it out. It can be a very traumatic experience for these kids, especially if there is taboo talking about it. Then they sit in isolation with that experience, and it influences their beliefs, their expectations and how they feel about it; it normalises that stuff.”

It might take a few false starts to get these open conversations flowing but Ben Vasiliou, chief executive of The Man Cave and author of the forthcoming book Better Man: Reclaiming Masculinity For Good, urges parents to keep trying.

“I have a 16-year-old daughter and a 20-year-old son, and I’ve had many a conversation with my kids that just didn’t land,” he says.