Why it’s so hard to apologise sincerely in foreign language

London, When people apologise, they do more than acknowledge a mistake. They also reveal how they understand responsibility, ethics, social and moral norms, and their relationship with others. These things all differ widely between cultural contexts.

Speaking in a foreign language may directly influence the emotions – such as guilt and shame – that we feel when we apologise. However, apologies are an especially complex type of communication, and are shaped by much more than just the words we use.

Even within a particular culture, people apologise in different ways in different situations. For example, a student apologising to a professor for missing a deadline must do more than simply say "sorry"; they need to acknowledge the missed deadline, take responsibility for the mistake, and communicate respectfully in the context of the professor-student relationship.

Every apology – be it to a spouse, a friend, a colleague, a stranger – has its own set of unspoken rules and expectations.

And although apologies are influenced by a huge range of factors, social power, distance and the seriousness of the offence are especially important. These are often what determine each culture's approach to apologising, and go far deeper than simply uttering the words "I'm sorry".

Guilt and shame are often used interchangeably, but they work differently. Guilt says: I did something wrong. Shame says: There is something wrong with me.

That difference matters. Guilt often pushes people to repair the damage by apologising, taking responsibility or making amends. Shame can have the opposite effect, leading people to withdraw, avoid the situation, or stay silent.

Culture also plays a role. Guilt tends to be more strongly emphasised in individualistic cultural contexts . In more collective cultural contexts , group harmony and social evaluation are especially important, meaning shame can carry greater social weight.

Both guilt and shame can arise when we feel we have crossed a social line, which makes them central to the act of apologising.

In a recent study, we investigated how people apologise in their first and second languages. To do this, we focused on native Korean speakers learning Spanish and native Spanish speakers learning Korean.

The study involved 115 participants, all with at least an intermediate level in their second language. Many had also lived abroad in Spain or Korea.

Participants completed an online questionnaire with twelve university-related situations that required an apology, such as missing a tutoring session, losing a borrowed book, or interrupting another student.

The scenarios varied according to social power and social distance. For example, some involved apologising to a close classmate, while others involved apologising to a professor or someone in a higher position of authority.

Participants completed the task either entirely in their first language or entirely in their second language. After each apology, they rated how much guilt and shame they would feel using 10-point scales, and were asked to respond as they would in a real-life situation.