Everything Is Called America Now
“If you think about it, we have a gulf, and we have a lake.
Now all we need is an ocean.” — President Trump, declaring Lake Ontario “Lake America” via executive order The year is 2027.
Gas costs $83 a gallon, and lettuce is at war with us.
However, every location on every map is now labeled America .
And everything else is named Trump.
Sometimes for fun we hike from the Trump Airport to the other Trump Airport to the other Trump Airport. (The few remaining air-traffic controllers have taken up heavy smoking from all the stress and confusion.) We do not fly; it is too expensive, and the planes don’t know where they’re going.
The good news is that we are still a member of the America America America America (formerly the North Atlantic Treaty Organization).
The renaming clinched it! Maps are functionally useless.
What is the deepest point in the American Ocean? Impossible to know.
There are two American Oceans.
America stretches from one to the other, below the Lakes America (mnemonic acronym: AAAAA).
The bottom of the globe is America.
The top of the globe is America too.
We’ve decided to keep it round, for now.
5News aggregated this summary from the outlet’s public feed. The full article, with all the context, is on www.theatlantic.com — the content belongs to The Atlantic.
