Ten Years Ago, My Nanny Ruined One of the Most Special Days of My Life. I Can Never Forgive Her.

Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so today we’re diving into the archives of Care and Feeding to share classic parenting letters with our readers. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here .

I had to return to work when our first child was 4 months old, and my husband and I decided to get a nanny. We found Maria through an agency, and she ticked all our boxes. She was wonderful with our daughter and always followed our directions. I will always be extremely grateful for how Maria helped out our family, but I never considered her part of the family—and this was the problem.

I would like to think I was always kind to Maria and treated her well, but perhaps only seeing her as an employee was unkind?

When my daughter was 2½, we had a second child. My mother was in town for the delivery. When it came time to bring the baby home from the hospital, I told my husband I wanted the homecoming to just be the family, and he expressed reluctance to actively omit Maria. I felt strongly that I only wanted the family present and he acquiesced. If only I had listened to him. We asked my mother to go home ahead of us and relieve Maria for the day and tell her she could meet the baby the next day when she came to take care of our daughter. We ended up pulling up to the house just as Maria was leaving and she became distraught. She said we didn’t want her to meet the baby and that she was going to quit and left the house in tears. I ran after her shouting reassurances and sat on the curb holding her hand while she sat in her car. I begged her not to quit and explained that it had all been a big misunderstanding. She calmed down and then I brought her to meet the baby and then she left; she came to work the next day and it was fine. Except I have never forgiven her for tainting the homecoming of my kid. She worked for us for another six months, and then we put both kids in day care, citing the expense and the need for our daughter to get more socialized (both of which were true), but I also wanted Maria out of our lives. Despite needing a babysitter from time to time, at my behest, we never hired Maria again. My husband could not understand my stance, but I was firm. In my (perhaps hormonally altered?) mind, Maria had betrayed me.

Maria listed me as a reference, and over the years I have always given her glowing recommendations. It seems that our family was the longest she was employed in one stretch so even now, six years after she worked for us, we still get reference calls about her, and I continue to praise her. Maria continues to babysit for friends nearby, and so we see her around from time to time. The other day she must have seen us pass by in our car on the way home because she pulled into our driveway to say hello. I am always friendly and share updates when we bump into each other. She still texts me sometimes and asks for pictures of the kids, and I always respond. My daughter is almost 10 now, and I still think about what happened.