I’ve Opened Up Our Home to Kids in Need. My Husband Has Some Pretty Unfair Objections.

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I’m having what I think is a minor disagreement with my husband. My husband is a pretty sweet guy; he is usually willing to lend a hand to anyone, but lately he’s been giving me a hard time about my friend’s children.

My best friend and her daughter have lived with us off and on for years. My friend has some mental health issues and no family. So I make sure her daughter is awake, dressed, fed, and ready for school. I take her and my child to school and pick them up. I make sure she has dinner and does her homework. She comes places with us on the weekends or out to eat. Her mother mostly sleeps during the day and pays us a modest amount of rent, sometimes none. Then there is my other friend, whom I watch her children for free while she works or goes out of town. They also spend the night—I feed them, and I/we take them places too. My husband doesn’t like being financially responsible, but he’s not; this comes out of my money. He’s also said he didn’t have four kids, he had one, which I think is pretty mean.

He has no problem when I watch his friends’ or family’s children. One of his friends’ kids lived with us for a year when the mother disappeared. He says we need more time together and money. We actually have more time and money together if he wasn’t always out with his friends spending money. Can you guide us here a little? Maybe on who’s right and who’s wrong. I think feeding children should always be the top priority.

I actually think this is a major disagreement, not a minor one. What you’re doing when it comes to caring for these kids is beautiful. There’s no question about whether it’s a good thing: You don’t seem to feel overly burdened by it. It probably adds incredible meaning to your life. It legitimately helps these parents and offers safety and comfort to their children. I know one day when these kids have a chance to reflect on how they felt at your home, they will be celebrating you as a hero. That said, to operate a free overnight childcare facility is a pretty huge lifestyle choice and not one everyone would make. In an ideal world, this would have been a decision you made in partnership with your husband, along with a broader plan (one that covered his gallivanting around with his buddies, too!) about your priorities for your life together.

At this point, I’m not super hopeful that you will be able to agree on a compromise about the big picture of how you budget your time and money. The fact that he’s fine with unofficial foster care when it involves the child of one of his friends but critical when there are different kids involved tells me that 1) he’s not very fair or reasonable, and 2) it’s not really about the kids.