My Daughter and Her Husband Are Using a Popular Parenting Technique With Their Son. They’re Creating a Monster.

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My daughter, “Tamara,” and her husband are applying that idiotic “gentle parenting” approach to raising their 3-year-old son, “Max,” and it is turning him into a monster. He won’t listen to anything they or anyone else tells him to do. Max has been kicked out of three daycares, and they have even lost friendships and not been invited to family events because Max is an uncontrollable tornado.

A few weeks ago, my son-in-law fell from a ladder and broke his leg. Tamara had my husband and me watch Max while she stayed with her husband while he was in the hospital for a couple of days. Predictably, Max wouldn’t follow rules or eat what he was told (he pulled the cat’s tail and demanded ice cream for dinner). We put him in time out and walked him back every time he got up. Eventually he stopped, and we let him scream it out until he ate what he was given.

But as soon as Tamara picked him up, he said we had been “mean” to him. When I explained to my daughter that we had set normal boundaries for Max and what they consisted of, she blew up and accused her dad and me of “traumatizing” him. Now she says we won’t be seeing Max until we apologize to him. I’m not willing to bow to her emotional blackmail. My husband, on the other hand, says we should just do a fake apology because Tamara is capable of holding a grudge until the end of time. Please tell me I’m right.

“Gentle parenting” means different things to different people, but it isn’t necessarily stupid; unfortunately, your daughter and son-in-law’s approach isn’t effective. In the interest of having time with your grandson again, I would say something along these lines in your “apology” to him: “I’m sorry you felt sad the last time you were here, but we need you to be a good boy and listen to Grandma and Grandpa.”

Max is a child, he’s not a bad actor here—he’s simply lacking proper guidance. Try to kindly approach the issue with your daughter without telling her that her approach is “stupid.” Instead, ask her questions that may help her be honest with herself about some of the challenges she is having with her son: “Are you overwhelmed with Max’s behavior sometimes? Do you find that you’re having a hard time getting him to listen?” Maybe she’ll open up to you or do some self-reflection … or maybe she won’t. Unfortunately, there’s no way to guarantee that your words will move her, but do let her know that you recognize that she is doing her best, that Max is a great kid and that the toddler years are very different for everyone. As far as you and your husband go, I think you’d be better off avoiding sleepovers with your grandson until the next emergency comes up. Spend time with him along with his parents and let them be responsible for his shenanigans.

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