I survived cancer 19 years ago. I still wake up at 3 a.m., wondering if it's back.

The author has gotten clear scans for years, but is still anxious about cancer.

Courtesy of the author I've survived cancer for 19 years, and my scans have been clear for years.

I still wake up at 3 a.m. worrying about symptoms and whether my cancer could return.

I've learned that being cancer-free doesn't automatically mean feeling safe in my body.

It's been 19 years since I was diagnosed with peritoneal mesothelioma , and some nights I still wake up at 3 a.m.

Not because something is wrong.

Not because I'm back in treatment.

Not because there's a symptom that is screaming for attention.

Just wide-eyed in the dark.

I start doing what I trained myself to do all those years ago: scanning, taking inventory, checking for anything that feels even slightly off.

Sometimes, before I fall back asleep, I've already Googled it .

The symptom.

The ache.

The random thought that popped into my head.