My Mother-in-Law’s Pushiness Put My Baby in the ICU. I Can’t Believe What My Family Wants Me to Do Now.

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My mother-in-law, “Heather,” was always pushy. My husband didn’t hesitate to tell her to knock it off, or end a visit if she overstepped. Well, a few years ago, our son “Oscar” was born. I reminded her: no kissing the baby. That was the beginning of our nightmare.

The first thing Heather did when she held Oscar was kiss all over his face. My husband booted her out immediately. She had oral herpes like a lot of adults. She gave it to him, and he got seriously ill, which was terrifying and I’m still so angry about it. Oscar was hospitalized and faces some permanent health effects. She apologized when he was in the hospital. We accepted the apology, but still held firm that Heather wasn’t safe and wouldn’t see me or Oscar again. We’ve since had another child, who she will never meet.

My husband helped his siblings move Heather into a local nursing home, and deals with a lot of the logistics. He also visits 3-4 times a year. She continues to claim we overreacted and exaggerated Oscar’s illness. Somehow, she’s gotten family to believe this. Now that Heather is in a nursing home, my SIL and other family frequently reach out or mention it when I see them at events. They claim that I’ve estranged my husband from his mother. He’s actively managing a lot of her care, and chose his contact level, not me. They claim I’m cruelly cutting the kids off from their grandmother. They claim she’s a frail little old lady without much time left.

They don’t do this in front of my husband (he shuts it down hard) but they do whenever they catch me alone. I’ve tried aggressive subject changes, I’ve tried “she put my baby in the ICU,” I’ve tried “no!” and walking away. It doesn’t seem to work. What else can I do? I block/ignore texts, but I do see these people around town and can’t permanently avoid them.

I can understand why you’re so angry, especially because Oscar is dealing with ongoing health issues as a result of your MIL’s carelessness. And while this is something that I think is possible for you to heal from and forgive (but not forget), there’s no way for that to happen while people are constantly antagonizing you and reopening the wound. This is where your husband comes in. I’m glad to hear that he’s shutting down his relative’s comments when he’s present for them, but you should ask him to do more.

He needs to make a crystal-clear announcement that no none is to raise this issue with you ever again—at family events, over text, or in the streets—and if anyone does, the family will have to step back from gatherings to protect your mental health. Since their insistence that you forgive your MIL is seemingly rooted in a desire for family harmony and connectedness, I’m hopeful that this will be the motivation they need to keep their unwanted opinions to themselves.

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