I Know My Brother’s Secret. And His Kid Is Onto Him.

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My brother, “Andrew,” is divorced with two daughters. Our parents, my wife, and I were introduced years ago to “Sofia,” whom he called his girlfriend.

But not long after that, at a gathering where I was the only family member present, Sofia let it slip that they were actually husband and wife. (When I got home, I did a quick web search and verified that they were indeed married.) I didn’t care much—the difference between a live-in girlfriend and a wife seems trivial to me—and I never brought it up with Andrew or anyone else (I knew my parents would be hurt by the knowledge that they hadn’t been included in their son’s wedding, which I assumed was why we were all kept out of the loop).

Fast forward a few years to the other night. My wife and I were hosting Andrew’s now 16-year-old daughter, “Britney,” for dinner, and she asked us point blank if we knew if her dad and Sofia were married, as she suspects they are—but when she asked them, they denied it. I deflected, but I can’t do that forever. What should I do? Tell Andrew what I know? Tell Britney the truth? Why is he keeping such a stupid secret from his own daughters? And although I have always thought I did the right thing years ago by not telling my parents when I found out, I am starting to think maybe I should have, so it would have come out in the open.

I can think of some reasons Andrew might have thought it was a good idea to keep his marriage a secret, at least at first: Maybe he didn’t want his ex to know he’d remarried, especially if this occurred soon after his divorce. Maybe he felt that his kids would have a hard time with it (a harder time than with “just” a girlfriend moving in). Maybe he didn’t want to get married, but Sofia felt so strongly about it, he felt he had to (and continued to think of them as not married even once they were … or just wanted everyone else to see them that way).

I also have questions about how she “let it slip” to you, when she and Andrew were consciously trying to keep a secret from the kids. Were you the one who heard the words “husband and wife” from Sofia, or did you overhear her talking to others? Maybe she “let it slip” to you, then panicked and begged you not to tell her husband that she’d told you, and said it was because he wanted it to be a secret? Or maybe she was passing around wedding pictures and didn’t realize you were nearby.

In any case, if I were you, I would have asked Andrew a long time ago what the deal was.

But that’s not advice—it’s just a human impulse. I would have been curious. The fact is, it’s none of my (or your) business. Plus, you can’t go back in time. My actual advice: Stay out of this. It’s between Andrew and Britney and your nieces—let them sort it out. Or not.

I am a single mom to an infant, and it’s important to me that we FaceTime my parents (her grandparents) every day when possible.