My Fiancé and I Are Getting Closer to One Day Becoming Parents. But There’s Something He Wants That I Think Is Deeply Unfair.

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I have been with my fiancé for almost eight years, and we’re finally getting closer financially to being able to afford surrogacy. It is highly unlikely I can have children naturally (I have vaginismus and severe endometriosis). Even if I could, I think the risks for me personally are not low (I have mild scoliosis and diagnosed major depressive disorder), and the thought of postpartum depression, especially in the wake of the Lindsay Clancy trial , terrifies me. But he and I want a child, so surrogacy for many reasons is probably our best option.

However, my fiancé wants to use his sperm as the donor sperm and has been putting pressure on me to “consider” getting my own eggs for donation. Not only would it make it cheaper and we could do it more quickly (he’s 37, and I’m 32, so we’re not young-young), but I can also tell by the way he speaks about it that he likes the idea of the child being biologically both of ours.

I do not want to go through the process of egg donation. It’s easier for him to consider because all he has to do, pardon the crudeness, is have some fun and put his in a cup. If I am even fertile, donation normally involves shots, monitoring hormone levels and my cycle, and then an actual procedure to harvest, which is petrifying. This part may be selfish, but if I don’t want to use my egg, it only feels fair that he doesn’t biologically contribute, either, but I know he’d hate that. How can I navigate my feelings about this? Is it right to ask him not to contribute even if he wants to?

Your fears around egg donation are valid, and it’s important that you express your concerns to your fiancé clearly and—because you’re looking to possibly start the process soon—quickly. You mention major depressive disorder, and the hormonal changes you’d experience throughout the process of egg freezing could certainly lead to mood changes—a known side effect—that might be challenging for you. (You can read through some anecdotal accounts from women who experienced these kinds of symptoms after the process—including from someone who’d previously dealt with depression, whose mood suffered so much they decided not to go in for a second round. And I feel I should caution that even as a new parent via surrogacy, you can experience a kind of postpartum depression .) I also think that the discussion around whether you both can’t (reasonably, easily, take your pick) contribute biologically to the baby, then maybe neither of you should, is a discussion that many couples in similar situations have.

As you navigate this conversation and your feelings, be honest while also showing your fiancé you value his feelings, too. Weigh your options. Would you be open to another family member donating eggs instead? In the same way want him to be considerate of your feelings, extend that courtesy to him and stay open-minded if he says that he really wants to contribute himself and doesn’t want to use a sperm donor.