My Wife and I Haven’t Had Sex in Four Years. But I’ve Found a Great Alternative.

How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!

I have been married for 33 years. Four years ago this month was the last time I had sex with my wife. I am done initiating and being rejected. We have talked about this and my need for sexual intimacy. It makes me feel desired, needed, and fulfilled. I have said all those things to her and she acknowledges them, but does not act. So I have stopped.

Instead I have found a great website for watching porn and have truly grown to enjoy masturbating. The challenge is finding different ways to pleasure myself. I have a penis vibrator and a sleeve. I am looking for more ways to enjoy my orgasms. I love my wife and have no plans to leave her. I do however refuse to stop being sexual, even if it is alone. Any novel ideas or toys I can consider?

What you describe in your letter is an ethical way to balance your libido with your wife’s apparent disinterest in sex. Kudos. If you are truly enjoying masturbating, finding different ways to do it doesn’t necessarily need to feel like a challenge—more an adventure? Exploring? A way of keeping things interesting? Making something good still good but in a different way? The point is if you are truly enjoying this, you can keep enjoying it without putting pressure on yourself to change things for the sake of it.

Of course, people love variety and there are loads of options out there for you to try. There are sleeves like the Fleshlight and its ilk, which aim to replicate the aesthetics of the vulva and vagina for a realistic solo experience. There are less ornate and bulky sleeves and strokers to provide alternative sensations. There are penis pumps and rings that you can experiment with. Then there are anal toys if you want to get into that, like butt plugs, prostate massagers, and dildos. These can greatly enhance the masturbatory experience

What you should do is browse either a local store or an online one like Babeland to see what piques your interest. (Even better: If you have a Babeland near you, its employees tend to be knowledgeable and approachable so you can ask them questions about specific items.) Just make sure you keep in mind that this is all in the name of fun. When it starts to feel like work, it’s time to scale back. Enjoy yourself.

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I’m a 37-year-old woman. As far as I can tell, I’m completely asexual. I’ve never been attracted to anyone beyond a sort of superficial “oh yes, he or she is attractive” kind of thing. I kissed a few boys and a girl once in high school and college, did some mutual groping, but even that was mostly to avoid being teased by my friends for being weird. Once the social pressure stopped, I stopped, and I’ve never regretted it.

But there’s this guy, “Harold.” A co-worker, but it’s the sort of thing of same company, different departments.