I Was Always the Weird Kid the Teacher Didn’t Like. Now I Have a Chance to Save Someone From That Fate.

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Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here .

I (an adult) just started taking martial arts classes, and I’m uncomfortable with the way the instructor treats one of the other students. It’s a mixed teen/adult class, and one of the teenagers, “Chris,” regularly gets singled out in a way that seems really wrong to me. I’ve only been three times so far, but in two of those classes the instructor has made comments such as, “You can hit Chris, it’s OK, nobody likes him.”

I get (I mean I hope!) that she means it as a joke, but this is really bothering me, and I’m worried about the effects this sort of commentary could be having on Chris. I’ve been the weird kid the teacher didn’t like, and that stuff can stick with you forever. This is a school that has a creed recited at the beginning of class, including the phrase “never be abusive”! I feel like I ought to say something to the instructor, but I don’t know what or how. Please help.

You can, and should, say something. I think that every adult has a responsibility to stand up for and protect children whenever they’re in a position to do so. The way to approach this with the instructor is to use care not to sound accusatory (or even critical), so that she doesn’t get defensive. Phrase it as something that’s troubling you rather than as something she’s doing wrong.

Try: “I wonder if can talk to you about something that’s making me uncomfortable?” and when she says, “Certainly” (as she had better! If she doesn’t, that’s a red flag in itself), say, “I’m sure you’re just kidding around and don’t mean anything by it, but when you say stuff like ‘Nobody likes him’ about one of the kids in the class, I kind of flash back to things teachers said to me when I was a kid. I’m pretty sure they meant no harm, but those things have stayed with me all these years. It’s amazing how the things teachers and other adults in kids’ lives can have such a big impact, both good and bad.”

I hope she’ll get the message and change the way she talks to and about Chris. I hope she doesn’t say, “I have never said that about anyone in the class!” so that you don’t have to cite chapter and verse (don’t cite chapter and verse, by the way; if this happens, say, mildly, “Really? Wow. I thought I’d heard it, multiple times. I must have misheard you”). I also hope she doesn’t double down, take offense even though you’ve done your best not to offend, or otherwise react in a way that should send you directly to the school/program’s director to lodge a complaint. It’s also possible she’ll get the message, be embarrassed and/or contrite, and think (or even say), “Ugh, I didn’t realize I might be doing harm” and then still make these comments, reflexively, thoughtlessly—and if that happens, I hope you’ll give her a long, hard look, maybe even shake your head slightly, to remind her of your conversation. (Then, if this behavior still doesn’t stop, I’d take it to the director.