What to Do When Someone Gives You the Silent Treatment

—Photo-Illustration by TIME (Source Image: Hans Neleman—Getty Images) There’s a healthy way to take a break during conflict .

Asking for space—and specifying when the conversation will resume—can protect a relationship by giving both people time to calm down.

The silent treatment does the opposite.

Withdrawing without explanation or a plan to reconnect just creates a new conflict, leaving the person on the receiving end scrambling to figure out what went wrong.

Yet not everyone who goes quiet is trying to inflict pain.

Some people shut down because they’re overwhelmed and genuinely incapable of having a productive conversation.

We asked experts how to figure out what’s behind the silent treatment—and what to do when someone stops speaking to you.

First, figure out what kind of silence you’re dealing with A healthy cooling-off period and the silent treatment can look identical from the outside, says Rachel Needle, a psychologist in West Palm Beach, Fla.

Both involve someone stepping away from a conversation.

What changes the meaning of that silence is whether the person explains what's happening and offers some reassurance that the conversation isn't over.

Most of all, it's whether they say when they'll be back.

Someone who’s emotionally flooded might say: “I need a little time to calm down before we keep talking.

Can we pick this up tonight?” Doing so gives the silence a purpose and an endpoint, Needle says.

If the person needs more time when the agreed-upon hour rolls around, they can say so and suggest another time.